May 2022 Update

Improvised "Hall Update" Thumbnail.

Initially I thought that this Update post would be as short as previous one due to just how basically nothing has been going on lately. I mean, of course there're still horrible events in certain parts of the world that I wish never took place (yes, I'm still too much of a coward to mention anything specific) because of how much pain and suffering it causes to the people around the world. In comparison to that, my struggles and problems doesn't really seem as serious or worthwhile talking about. That just doesn't seem appropriate.

At the same time, I need to get things off my chest from time to time. This is one of the reasons Ilko's Hall exists in the first place. While I wish that the time when I bring in some positive and exciting news to those random strangers who decide to waste their time reading this mess comes sooner than later, today is not that day and I guess I just have to deal with that for now. No matter how overly dramatic it sounds, I don't like that either.

Queen's Tragedy.

More than a week after April's update post, we have received some had news regarding one of our cats. Ciri, the oldest of our Thai beauties, got some kind of tumor or something similar on her stomach. Dad has spotted it a few days ago since she tended to lay with him in the morning lately, and I suppose he was able to spot it. Although she used to hang out with me for a while, I would say that usually Ciri didn't really let me pet her belly. So he told me and my older brother about the situation and then taken her to vet.

After he returned home with Ciri, father told us the diagnosis: breast cancer. She would require a lot of medical attention to prolong her life for a few more years: from examinations and tests to surgery and chemotherapy. That costs a lot of money, and we always struggled with it. So my dad and older brother discussed it for a bit and came to the conclusion that there's no need to put Ciri through so many hard procedures that ultimately would only delay the inevitable for who knows how long: specific information would've been known only after the surgery with what would've been needed to be done later on.

Ciri's Photo from April 24, 2022.

Of course, I informed my mother and another older brother, who is actually the Ciri's owner (even though he's seemingly not eager to come home for a long time now). Although mom asked some questions, suggested that it could be something else, at first she also expressed the idea similar to other part of my family: "she lived a long live, and perhaps it's best to not push her towards these challenges". Despite my mom and the oldest brother not talking to each other anymore, they kind of share the same perspective. He in particular referred to our grandmother in Voronezh who suffered from dementia before passing away a few years ago. Their experience definitely left a toll on them and... Yeah.

As for the other older brother, his reaction kind of baffled me. I thought that he would be pretty concerned about her well-being, ask a lot of questions and message me regularly to ask how she's doing (simillarly to mom), but it was along the line of "this is terrible" and "I guess you decided to not treat it?" with no additional messages after. Even my mother, who was pretty active on that front, haven't respond to my answer regarding dad and other brother's view on the situation. Even parents' friend (that we call "aunt" because she's close to us all and helped us a lot) herself takes care of her cat that has certain health issues seemed to agree with previously mentioned conclusion.

I understand where they're all coming from regarding Ciri's cancer. I haven't really participate in those discussions since I just have nothing to say about her. I wish I was able to help her by any means necessary, but I also don't want her to suffer. I already began to blame myself for the fact that I don't receive enough income, which in term could've made an option to go for medical treatment more feasible. For basically letting her die and suffer because of my inability to act like responsible human being. At least now Ciri seems to be feeling okay and acts as usual. I try to pay her as much attention as I can. She has even occasionally run around in our flat and played with some of their toys lately, which she doesn't do that often likely due to her status of mother and oldest cat in the family. Besides the obvious emotions powered by my common issues, I'm just kind of baffled by how it went in terms of reaction and position within our fragmented family. While I'm somewhat glad that it didn't turn into drama filled with various arguments, I'm also stunned by how quick and logical their thinking ended up being. At least from my perspective. What I've seen and heard.

Everything Else.

Let's just move over to more typical stuff. My copywriter work got put on hold this week and should hopefully resume after May 17th. During this period, I planned to get ahead in the schedule for Hall's "article", but didn't go far with it due to usual problems. Including Ciri's diagnosis. Unlike previously, I think I have a clear idea of what posts I want to write in the next few months this time around. All related to different subject within gaming and seem pretty curious to me. I just to figure out the specifics and such. Hopefully, I manage to complete a bonus post that (if ready) would release a couple of hours after this one. I want to try out something different in terms of my approach to writing and maybe two posts on every 15th of the month becomes another tradition of mine.

Speaking of which, I slightly changed the release schedule for Hall's post by two hours. Initially I planned to do that in June, but then decided that there's no need  to wait for that. I think that this change would ultimately benefit my blog and maybe even attract one or two strangers to read it on somewhat regular basis. I've changed the favicon for something more simplified since I should've figured for the while that the previous one was too detailed (not in a good way). Couldn't come up with other changes to the design changes here, as well as revamp of FAQ and About pages, but I'll get there one day.

I still didn't give pixel art, modding, MIDI or chiptunes a try. Still haven't thought of a specific questions and people for "A Little Chat" posts. Still no proper steps in checking my physical health, dealing with my mental health and/or improving my life in general. To be honest, I just feel lost. My awareness of what to do and what steps I need to take (in some cases, at least) doesn't help me to make that leap of faith. I'm just floating in the middle of nowhere while feeling nothing and a lot at the same time. That's a strange feeling and I don't and/or can't do anything about it. I'm just here accompanied by indecisiveness, regret, terror and who knows what else.