July 2023 Update

"Monthly Update" Thumbnail.

Two words: déjà vu. Despite being paranoid and suspecting that something bad would happen this Summer, part of me hoped things won't get as bad as this May. However, I couldn't imagine just how bad these past couple of weeks would've been. It also feels like it's been forever since the release of last Update and I think I was somewhat more confident there. Either way, I was getting more worried and there's no way I could've been prepared for this dark and miserable chapter of my life.

Well, I will try to talk about it here. I'm all over the place right now and wasn't even sure if I could or should write this "article", but at the end I feel like it's best to go all the way and be open "until the end". I was already talking the worst parts of this month with my friends and didn't really shy away from them before in this blog, so I don't see any reason to change that now. Although I'll get back to that later.

Birthday's Tragedy.

It started out a couple of weeks ago. Eka didn't feel particularly well. She was usually very active, but then her mood and behavior changed. She stopped running around on regular basis and didn't eat as much, preferring to sit or lay in specific spots around the flat. At first, we suspected that she got sick or (my personal theory) perhaps depression over her mother's passing finally kicked it... However, at some point it became apparent that something was wrong, and we needed to do something about it.

Similarly to the end of May, we decided to bring Eka to the vet in order to see what was bothering her. This required not only visiting the specialist, but also taking some analysis and then bring her over for two hours of intravenous feeding... or was it subcutaneous? My English is failing me here, but it's also not like I was thinking straight at the moment. What was important to me at the time was to made sure that the process goes well and Eka gets better. That process definitely helped, but we still had to visit vet tomorrow to have a clearer picture of her condition via blood analysis.

So far, it was "just" kidney failure and mouth uncels. We got a special food and medicine to treat her in the meantime. You would assume that there's a chance for things to start getting better, but then we went to the vet again. This is when the end has started. We were supposed to take the results of the cat, show them to the vet to determine the specific issue and go from there. Well, it was revealed that Eka was on fourth stage of chronic kidney disease. Veterinary was honest and told us that there're no guarantees that she could get better: chances of moving out to the third stage weren't that high. This left us with two... Well, with only one option. Again. I had to say my goodbye and let Eka reunite with Ciri.

Despite knowing how bad things could've got for her if she ended up going through all sorts of treatments, it didn't make it any better. I still remember how rough things were getting for Ciri and there's also a story of my "aunt's" cat who I believe was going through chronic kidney disease too and that was truly devastating. What didn't help was also the fact that it wasn't just us who had it rough at the vet as there was an elderly lady with her cat. I don't know what they were dealing with, but I remember her talking about how expensive some procedures were. I also clearly remember how heartbroken that lady was when she had to let go of her favorite pet. These places can be pretty rough.

Eka resting after her vet visit. Photo from July 3rd, 2023.

Some might assume that prior experiment might've helped get through something like this, but I can confidently tell that it's bullshit. This grief & sorrow are immeasurable. Eka was a great cat. She's a damn good fighther as she unfortunately had to undergo a serious operation, but that cat pulled through. Not only she was very happy and proactive cat who always excited to play, but Eka really loved eating. In fact, she loved that too much with expected outcome. Despite all odds, that cat just kept going and doing things her own way. Even in this period when her behavior was changed and during our visits to vet, Eka was still positive and eagerly purred at any opportunity. Even at the end... Perhaps she had a clear understanding of where things were going at the time, but it's difficult to think about.

The fact that Eka was my cat and she passed away on my birthday made it so much more painful. This felt personal... I don't know how to explain it, but I can't word it in any other way. And I still not sure how to end this part of the text and what to make of it. There's a lot of despair, sadness and regret to get through and I'm just not able to do that. Not sure if I would ever be able to, and I don't care how it sounds.

Trying to focus on positives is hard on itself. I know that Eka had a great life in spite of everything and I hope I was a great owner for her. I hoped that she would be the last cat standing, but life had other plans for this sweet cat. Now she has reunited with Ciri and I hope they're doing well. May they rest in peace.

The Circle of Trouble.

Now I'll redirect my attention to more regular evil. As always, there're financial struggles. My prolonged break just keeps going and that's not great for my saving. It started to get bad before what happened to Eka, but all the procedures were very expensive for us. In fact, we left the vet in a day before my birthday with a debt. That's how bad and ridiculous it got. And situation thus far doesn't show any signs of getting any better as I still have no alternatives on the horizon. Not yet. I suppose I'm not there just yet.

What I am saying is I just can't catch a break. The cyclic nature of these things in my life really gets to me, especially this time around. My laptop decided to part his part by embracing death once again. You know, just running completely out of power while unconnected. At least that was one of the major reasons why it couldn't get powered on for around two days. It did seem like this could've been his final death, then, somehow, my laptop returned. This really annoyed me as I just know it all goes back to this pattern of hitting a critical point only for things go back to somewhat normal on their own.

Shaky Distractions.

Even though I won't say it really helped, I have tried to distract myself from this heavy shitshow (for a lack of a better word). This involved playing a lot of games, some of them before things went horrible wrong. Besides the usual Stardew Valley routine with some great progress (mainly, reaching Ginger Island and purchasing Community Upgrates), I went back to Hexen 2 and quickly finished my first playthrough. That actually surprised me as before I was going slow, but now the game felt mostly too easy.

As a part of tradition, I briefly revisited Ion Fury & Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory and played those for a bit. I also went back to Hexen: Beyond Heretic and revisiting it was so far similar to its sequel, but I still didn't finish off the Necropolis. My initial plan after that wasn't Deathkings of the Dark Citadel, but going back to Terraria for getting the rest of its achievements. Taking things slow and enjoy the process is awesome, but it's been a long time since I had some nice completionist accomplishments. It's not set in stone: even though WRATH: Aeon of Ruin was rushed to 2024, I'm still looking out for Ion Fury: Aftershock (even though the base game is currently too cool for my undead laptop).

In an attempt to change things up a bit, I decided to go ahead with watching Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves after visiting KFC for some food to eat in the meantime. This film was actually alright. Nothing particularly special, but I had a great time watching it and was overall satisfied with wasting time on it. While it would've been nice to watch more films (for the first time or again), but I don't really have any current plans for that. The same goes for TV series and cartoons. Should really put an effort into having more variety in this lazy routine and don't waste it solely on video games.

Well, a lot can be said about Ilko's Hall. "Recent Tides of Warcraft 3" were intended to be published on July 4th, but delayed for obvious reasons. Existing rough schedule was also revised, but not set in stone. I intended to release a few posts this month as a last major chapter in blog's active lifespan. That's right, the idea was to officially wrap things up: not close it down completely, but basically put in it Heroes of the Storm-like maintenance mode. No more monthly updates and following schedule every once in a while. Still leave a possibility for more "articles" if I really-really-really have something to say. The reason for that was the feeling of reaching the peak of what I could really do with the blog.

Lately it didn't feel like it could really furfil its primary purpose anymore. Perhaps I need to try out something new and approach that thing differently in some way? Who knows, I actually haven't thought about it all that much as I was distracted by aforementioned disasters. Part of me is crushed and defeated while the other just wants to be stubborn and refuses to surrender. One hell of a paradox, if you ask me. I suppose all of that can wait as... Who knows what happens next. Right now, I'm just going with the flow while being cautious. The desire to believe in good times ahead is strong, but I'll get to that only after these times will actually arrive. Until then, I am lost and confused.