May 2023 Update

"Monthly Update" Thumbnail.

I had a feeling that things are about to get rough, but I had no idea just how bad it was going to get this time. Part of me probably got used to this to life being like waves where it always goes up & down. Despite my willingness to admit that my current state of affairs isn't normal (and hasn't been normal in a while, if ever), I still won't go as far as to say that I'm suffering or anything like that. I mean, it's true. I am a total mess right now. However, there're people out there who totally have it way worse than me.

Still, I'm just "screaming" into the void here. No need to beat myself up over talking about how I got emotionally annihilated this time around. Although just writing about it might be a challenge on itself, but I'll get to it. Despite all odds, I'm still here and I kind of pushed forward. Tried to distract myself from this misery with relative success. Similarly to previous Update, I'll start from the worst part.

Queen's Rest.

As I mentioned before, Ciri's condition was getting worse. Slowly, but surely. That much was obvious. It's been pretty much a year since she was diagnosed with mammary tumor: I've used the term "breast cancer" at the time because that's how my parents referred to it, but apparently it's not exactly right choice of words (at least) in English. She hasn't received proper treatment and that tumor was fairly large. No matter how much I wanted to believe otherwise and avoid acknowledging it, the countdown was coming to an end.

It started suddenly. On top of losing her fur, Ciri got noticeable skinnier. She was always a thin cat, but you could clearly see that something was up. As if that wasn't enough, she started breathing heavily, got more inactive and struggled with using litter box. Tumor itself was... well, it was bad. Very bad. Dad made a photo of it in order to get advice from a vet. After that he and my older brother started to discuss this situation. I couldn't really contribute anything to it (and it's not like my words would've really matter anyway) and none of them bothered to even mention mom or my middle brother, who is an official owner of Ciri. I've informed both of them about these latest developments, but at this point it was clear that she will not get better.

Given all that, a decision was made to take Ciri to the vet in order to see if it's time to euthanize her. Obvious, it was a rhetorical question. I and my father carried her together. Since there was just no way to get my middle brother there, obviously I had to step in as her defacto owner. I was determined to do it even before my mother asked me to make sure that Ciri gets all the love and care she can get... She did. I shared the news with some of my friends and "the void" later that day.

Ciri's Family Photo from June 1, 2021.

Perhaps I should've waited some time in order to process this through and try to write a proper obituary here, but I don't think I really can fully comprehend it. My relationship with death, if you can even call it that, was always kind of weird, I suppose. Looking back at the time when I lost my grandmother a few years ago or many other instances where some people I know have passed away, I always ended up... Confused? I'm really not sure how to describe that. My emotions are just aren't clear. There's definitely grief and sadness in there, but I suppose it's just a sign of me not really coming to terms with it.

The pain eases with time, but even the slightest reminder can be enough to bring it back. You can drown yourself with work or something similar, distance yourself from others or hide it behind jokes, but it will remain deep down in your heart. Even after you make peace with that, which I don't think always equals with "getting it go". In hindsight, that doesn't seem right. That's part of life, whenever you want it or not. What I'm trying to say is, well... That's the thing, I don't know! Perhaps one day I will.

I miss you, Ciri. Not just me, but your husband and kids as well.

Everything Else.

Let's go back to more typical silly stuff. My second year at Stardew Valley is going great. I'm halfway through the Summer at this point in time (writing it in May 9th), but I might as well reach Fall when this post gets published. Still sharing occasional updates on Twitter, so I don't think I should go deep into it. My current farm is big and nice, got a few achievements, started dealing with animals and Farmer Ilko is good friends with many villagers at Pelican Town. This game is awesome, and I'll keep playing it.

HROT will be released a day after this "article" gets published, so I'm definitely checking that out! This "celebratory release at the Factory Club" seems promising. It does sounds like a real-life event, but my gut feeling tells me it's just his way of announcing full release and maybe the final map will be as special as "War with the Newts" (if not better). Aside from that, it's about time for me to take a look at Dear Esther: Landmark Edition. I'm not really familiar with this game, but I believe it's about the same length and genre as The Beginner's Guide. As great as Stardew Valley is, adding some variety in my gaming routine will come a long way. Maybe I'll return to Hexen 2 before going back to the original game.

In terms of Ilko's Hall stuff, the last MCU's Spider-Man post in my latest Just an Idea series might be published shortly after this update. At some point I thought it would be postponed indefinitely, but I think I can follow through with my self-imposed schedule. Don't take that as a promise though... Speaking of which, there's technically one more "article" I had in mind for a very long time. I should stop procrastinating and take my chances. There's no harm it that, after all. In case I get lucky, it would pretty cool.

That leaves me with the rest of real life stuff. It seems like my laptop can't handle defragmentation when it runs solely on a battery instead of being plugged in as usual. I also managed to avoid getting Blue Screens of Death and sudden shutdowns this time around. My smartphone is an outdated mess as well, but at this point I can't even use a YouTube app on it and have to sometimes put an effort to open Discord. I have to do something about all that. This could be a good excuse to pick up some series or films, but I don't think it's happening in the near future. My work has slowed down recently for multiple reasons, so there's that. A lot of things can happen and change in a month. I will see what's next for me.