December 2023 Update

"Monthly Update" Thumbnail.

I think I can confidently say that I've been very slowly getting back on track in these recent days. Everything has slowed down even further in comparison to November, so this Update will likely be even more barren as a result. At least this time around, there's more sense of peace in my mind. Still usual overthinking and all that stuff, but my latest reflections allowed me to further examine myself... and/or fool myself into believing that this stupidity actually provided some worthwhile results for once.

You can argue that such nonsense is natural for this time of the year, but I'm not entirely sure about that. Part of that is likely me refusing to give myself a break because I just got to be this way even if I don't always want to be: force of habit and all that type of thing. None of it is actually interesting, so I'm not going to fixate too much on that in order to not overly annoy myself. This time I'm not even going to pretend that someone else is reading this.

Summary.

Rather than dedicate some of my time towards something interesting or productive, I was drowning in overthinking and self-reflections yet again. As I've mentioned before, this time around it feels like I actually had something you could perceive as "progress in self-improvement" or an illusion of it. Even though I certainly acknowledge it before, I think that in recent days I managed to properly process and accept these truths. Despite ending up in my current real life situations largely due to circumstances outside my own control, in some ways my misery is a result of my own doing. And this is not just about my sabotaging myself at the end of high school and a mental breakdown that went on one way or the other into pandemic.

Not to say that there're situations where I was put in less than ideal positions for no apparent reason, there were points in my life where I wasn't that good of a person in the same manner as aforementioned moments: "just because". Even if those are just pity stuff that don't matter in grand scheme of things, I'm still not proud of it and I accept that. I've often found myself arriving at the conclusion where I felt I had to completely distance myself from negative aspects of oneself and dedicate myself solely to positivity in order for everything to get better. Now I realize that ideas like that are ultimately foolish. Nothing is perfect, and sometimes it's best to just accept your flaws and learn how to live with them. In other words, I should just achieve an inner peace with myself. In perfect balance.

I certainly needed it as my routine is as chaotic as it gets in recent days. My sleep schedule still lays in ruins: should I recover it for a day, everything falls apart in the next one. My dedication to follow a specific daily order coupled with daily job put me in rough position as days move forward. That makes me quite frustrated, which surely doesn't help it. Many people have moments like this (I would assume) and I would suspect that this decline will be replaced by positive progress in the near future. Just need to be persistent, and it's all going to be alright. I also need to look into a little technical annoyance with my current laptop as its power button decided to be more lazy and not react to presses when I need to turn on this wonderful device. I'll figure it out and everything is going to be fine.

My nine-month comfy journey towards Perfection in Stardew Valley is going to be concluded in recent days. I have enough gold to purchase Golden Clock, but want to make sure my farmer won't go completely broke for it. I wanted to ignore Junimo Kart, but my desire to frighten my friends and annoy one of them in particular lead me to beating it twice. While I definitely prefer Journey of the Prairie King out of the two, this minigame is quite entertaining in spite of its at times unforgiving randomness. Still waste my time on Heroes of the Storm and not other games like Ion Fury, DOOM 16, Minecraft or anything different. I need to redirect my focus back towards tying up loose ends.

No idea if I'm actually going to write some posts this January. I have some ideas, but at the same time it's more than likely that the end result would be much more humble in quantity when you compare it to previous years. Nothing set in stone though.